I realized i have a problem and cant go to casinos anymore
My story. 41 yo male living with my 37 yo gf and mother of our 6 month old son. I am the breadwinner and work full time while she stays home with baby. My drug of choice has been blackjack tables at my 2 local casinos. It has not just caused me financial issues but has givin me too much anxiety and depression and even when i am winning big i cannot stop. As i was soaking in the hot tub this morning from my comp room night i had some deep soul searching and am no longer going to gamble. Its not who i am. My ignition into the gambling world started in 2014 when a friend of mine invited me to laughlin nevada for a gambling trip at the tropicana hotel. I mainly just played the slots there. By share fluke i made $500 on one lucky spin. I got that first taste of that rush and excitment to chase more wins and tried roulette and bombed horribly bring me form 575 bank roll to 325. Fortunatly it was a short stay and drove home. From 2014-2017 i took about 3 more trips there and that was all the gambling i did. Then on my birthday 2018 my new gf at the time took me to my local casino for my birthday and gave me 100$ gambling money which i took to the BJ table and burned thru it horribly, although I was not very preoccupided with gamblng that day because i was having drinks with her and we had other fesivities going on. But a couple months later i started to read up on blackjack and memorized basic stratagy 100% by playing apps on my phone and then realized i could go back to that casino with much better odds. I went back and won big. close to $1,000. Then the chase for that high never went away, gambling has been a big roller coaster of Happy cheering winning moments, to very stressful and anxiety racking losing moments. Since then ive been secretly taking trips there 1x 2x per week and secretly withdrawing money (and depositing winnings) into my bank acct which affect my family. Ive gambled away money that was needed to pay important bills. Even now the electric bill and car insurance are late. Ive used any lie or excuse to get there. Most commonly secret vacation hours used while she thought i was at work and BS OT on my day off. While i have had some really nice big wins ive lost lots of money too. I really cant take not just the guilt anymore but the psychological anxiety and stress gambling has put me through. One night as I was rocking my son to sleep after having lost $600 that day I actually cried thinking about stuff that our son needed such as diapers toys Etc, in the wave of guilt an emotion that my bank account was drained and I couldn't provide for him was the worst feeling in the world. I am too addicted. When i play BJ i am at the table all day. I cant handle it as just entertainment. Last night after coming up $800 only to dwindle it all away then being down By 150, I realize I have a big problem Its gone too far. .i am quitting for good and am so ashamed of myself. I have no one to talk to about this. I want to quit and i don't want to ever visit a casino again. I am no longer a gambler. But my heart is hurting right now, $800 that I won and woulda helped my family and then to lose it all and become 150 down really hurt my family, theres hardly any money to buy groceries this week because of my stupidity. As I'm typing this story I am severely depressed, ashamed, but wanting to be a better person, someone who doesn't Gamble. But now my girlfriend has started to catch on to me and is disgusted and angry with me. She hates me. All I can do is try to be honest that's her, things are not well. I am so ashamed to have gotten addicted to Blackjack. I know i may get impulses to try it again after today, but I must delay and distract, I must remind myself how unhealthy of a habit it is and how it's destroying my life with my family, and wrecking my mental health. how it's making me so irresponsible with money.. I must take up new hobbies and interests. I need all the support I can get.
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